Retreat Is Not a Defeat
A lay person asked the Buddha: "What do you do?"
"We sit and walk and eat and lie down," the Buddha answered.
"So you are not different from us?"
"We are different because we know what we are doing. We are aware."
I am familiar with this excitement and sensation of coming back home. Arriving to a place where I have never been reminds me of belonging which is not based on the borders, house or neighborhood. I am coming home to the practice, experiencing expansiveness and reconnecting with the purpose. I am reminded again about the spaciousness that naturally comes through the genuine practice and reflect on how I spiraled down wrestling with my shadows.
Arriving to the Thai Plum Village Practice Center brings back focus on what and why I practice. As new wars light their flames and deprive children of joy, scar adults with confusion and anger, I bring my question to the circle:
"Dear Thay, dear Brothers and Sisters, dear Sangha, I notice seeds of confusion in me. Old wounds become alive and I don't know what to do. I feel guilty of feeling joy as I dwell in the present moment while wars rage around me. How can I give space to joy at time of war?"
My voice trembles as I am trying to hold tears. Still, I am aware, unlike my response to the war in Yugoslavia and Ukraine, I am more grounded energy and present. I know emotional overwhelm is not the way to help. Still, I feel lost.
Brother Phap Tù takes the microphone and begins to talk. Each word touches my heart. I am not religious but I am ready to bow and surrender to everything he is saying: being caught by the ghosts of the pasts, drowning into powerlessness and guilt. He offers an alternative: Can you find refuge in your practice through the wish to eliviate everyone's suffering? Can you find determination for that?
In my heart I give a vow to do so. I am back resting in my breath remembering why I am here. I forgot to feed my Inner Peace. I was taken by unpleasant emotions which are always here, with or without wars. There is always something wrong to notice, suffering is always present. And so it is with joy. The only difference is that unpleasant emotions come to our attention faster than pleasant or neutral. Pleasant emotions need an invitation, while holding the space for unpleasant ones until they dissolve their grip. So I begin my practice:
Breathing in, I see anger arising. Breathing out I see conditions causing anger
I walk and breath mindfully
Breathing in, I see despair. Breathing out I see conditions causing despair
I walk and breath mindfully
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
I pause and sit mindfully
Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment. Breathing out, I smile to the present moment
Muscles softening, breath filling my lungs with ease and acceptance.
An insight emerges. I have arrived, I am home.